A river in Eqypt

Last night some friends and I went to see the new movie about the four women in New York? You know the one. I refuse to type the words because I know just what sort of web searches will land people here if I do and well...I like my safe and unexposed little blog just the way it is, thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, so after sitting through about two hours of this thing, which I must say, was well acted, despite the script's apparent shortcomings, they actually had the audacity to take it all, tie it up with a sparkley, pink bow, and give it a happy ending. Now, happy endings are one thing, but when the happy ending required a man (or a dog as the case may be) that, to me, completely undermines the entire point of the whole freakin series.

And that's all I have to say about that.

In other news, I've discovered some co-workers at the "joe job" that are, by all accounts, rather promising prospects as real-life friends. The only rub?: They're both really cute.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am in trouble. BIGFAT trouble. The kind of trouble that can only lead to the most delicious brand of excitement...and possibly drama. This is why I am in denial. This is not happening, and I am not dealing with it. Because if I did. If I did acknowledge it and all the ramifications and allowed myself to think of the potentiality...? Well, I'm not going there. Cause it's not happening.

See? Denial.

Moving on...

During my glorious trip to Vancouver, (I'll pause here for a moment of blissful reflection.) I managed to stumble upon not one, but two yarn stores. There, I picked up enough Cascade 220 (on sale, no less!) to make Oblique (Ravelry link.) I am so ridiculously excited about it, it's kindof sad, really. It's a gorgeous purple heather colour that I will gladly photograph for all you lovely folks just as soon as it stops being gray and rainy outside. Being on the west coast, that could take a while.

My time in Vancouver was pretty enlightening, I must say. My entire energy changed there. I just felt...clearer. If that makes any sense. I came back feeling refreshed and lighter. I need to get myself to the mainland, people. I found a great neighbourhood that I would LOVE to live in, a job that I would be excited to wake up and go to every morning and a transportation system that actually takes people where I want to go. All very important. Now, universe this one's for you: gimme, gimme, gimme.

Also? I start my new Big Girl™ Job on Monday. I'm not gonna lie: I'm a little nervous. I'm sure it will all be fine. I am university edu-macated, after all. But still.

Speaking of university? I convocate this month. Can you believe it? I feel like I blinked on my first day and ended up here. But I'm definitely here. I just paid the university an unholy sum of money for the privilege of wearing some smelly ol' robe for a few hours. Pray for cool weather, people. That's all I can say. Now I just have to figure out what the heck to wear under it.

Y'see, I'm not really a dress sort of girl, per se. I mean, I have a few, but most of them are casual. And the one dress-up dress I own? Well, I wore it to a school function earlier this year. I'm sure you see the problem. Gah! I do believe there is some shopping in my future. I wonder if I have enough time to pick something up in Toronto on the morning before my convo...No. No. I'm a Big Girl™ now. I plan ahead. I am calm, cool, and...Oh, who are we kidding? This would be when a fairy godmother would come in mighty handy, y'all. Can you imagine? Oy. Maybe I'll go to the mall or something... I'll hafta ask around and see where one might acquire cute dresses about town.

Okay, I'm off to knit and drink coffee and try to arrange a visit to the art gallery to see the Warhol exhibit and generally freak out. Have a fabulous Thursday, everyone!

today

Today I will:

• Teach someone to spin


• Buy some clothes so I can sling coffee in compliance with dress code


• Drink coffee


• Not worry about "what if"

That last bit? It's the hard part.

The public review for the job competition I won (woo!) closes tonight at midnight. At that point, baring any major drama, the job is officially mine. Along with all the anxieties that come along with starting a new job. But today I will not worry about "what if."

We spent some time at the beach yesterday. It was truly beautiful. Yet I found my mind wandering to other things. I was not in the moment, and all I could think was what a waste of an experience it was. Hence my resolution for today.

It's interesting how introspective one can become when one has very little else to do. I am still in a holding pattern; still waiting for things to start; still on a tight budget. So to keep myself entertained, I pick people apart - mostly myself, but sometimes others. I've realized a few things along the way. I finally have some sort of a why for the end of my relationship, such as it is. It is not a good why, but it is an accurate one. And, unfortunately, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Which only leaves me with the fairly unsatisfactory knowledge that either he'll get over it or he won't, and there's no guarantee that I'll be around when he does.

There has been knitting progress. I actually knit an entire pair of socks (Okay, they were plain stockinette socks on 3's, but still. Socks. Two of them. In two days.) and I've begun work on some twisted flower socks in a lovely teal. So far there's only about half an inch of cuff, so nothing particularly picture-worthy. Besides, my photos are stuck on my camera until the package from my sister containing the various sundry items left behind arrives.

On Saturday, we had a bit of a party here. It was supposed to be a low-key games night, but somehow morphed into two separate parties occurring in the same space. There was the games night involving the three of us that were relatively sober and then the drink 'til you're stupid night involving everybody else. One of the people's newish significant other was in attendance for the first time. It should be interesting to see how that all plays out.

I wish I could do more to convince you all that I'm doing more than phoning this one in today, but the truth of the matter is, I'm sortof out of material until I actually start going out and doing stuff again.

What did you all get up to this weekend?

ain't life funny like that?

So, remember a few days ago when I wrote about trying to come to terms with the whole no articles question..? Turns out I was going to get my answer sooner than I though.

On Thursday, I received a call from someone who had contacted the authors of my reference letters who wanted to let me know that one of them has, apparently, been sabotaging me. Discretion didn't permit her to tell me what was said, only that it had raised some "serious concerns."

For a person such as myself who takes expectations very seriously and has been known to move heaven and earth in order to meet them, this was a significant blow to my psyche. It is particularly troubling to me that this is the first I'm hearing of anything even slightly resembling dissatisfaction with my performance. Perhaps it is my overt inherent sense of morality, but I just feel that this isn't the way things should be done. I have never considered myself perfect, nor do I expect to make everyone happy all the time (try as I might), but I certainly cannot become aware of areas to improve or learn more about or alter if there is no indication that it is required or desirable. Unfortunately, I am not omniscient.

Needless to say, I've been feeling a little vulnerable and betrayed. And hurt. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. If a person lied to you directly when you asked if they felt they could give you a good reference, is there any hope that you can get truth by asking via telephone what the issue is?

It does explain an awful lot though.

At some point, it seems your brain (or perhaps just my brain) just closes up shop and refuses to try to sort it out any longer. And that's when I find myself staring out my bedroom window, looking at this:







Allow me to be the first to tell you: It is very difficult to feel sorry for oneself for very long here. There's just far too much to smile at.

I expect to hear the results of having spoken with a third reference I provided tomorrow. My hope is that with the result will come some clarity. Either way, I do believe I will be slinging coffee in the very near future, so at least there will be some money coming in for all the money going out.

Also, once I overcame an unbelievably dense moment and somebody pointed out that I was not reading the chart for all the information it truly provided, I've been making much faster progress on my test knitting:






I am most pleased by this. Isn't it funny how your creative life can both mimic and contrast other aspects of your life?

And on the topic of exciting creative stuff, the knitting group I have adopted turned out to be a most gratifying experience for me on Friday night. I may have had to force myself to put on a dress and a happy face, but it was a good thing I went. I had a great time, got to listen to a lovely Australian accent and discovered that one of the ladies there wants to learn to spin and has borrowed the very same wheel I left in Toronto in order to do it. I'm hoping to arrange to stop by later this week so she and I can share knowledge. Just when I'm feeling at my most incompetent, someone comes along to remind me of all the valuable knowledge and skills I possess. Hell, stick me in Jane Austen's time and I woulda been the hottest product on the market! ;)

Ain't life funny like that?

Houston, We Have a Problem

Y'all. I realized something big today. Bigger than big. Earth shattering.

I don't like the person I've become since moving in with my sister.

I'm now no longer in that situation and have been out of it just long enough for me to realize that I'm not who I was and I'm scared. Really, really scared. Cause I liked who I was. I really did. And I can't remember what she looked like anymore.

I know I apologize too much. I know that for sure. I'm too eager to please and too careful about trying not to anger people. I constantly second-guess myself and worry that I'm "arsing it up" somehow. Heaven knows what exactly that means.

I used to be a lot more joyful. I can be again. I just...feel as though I've lost my way, and I don't like it and I don't as yet have a plan to get back. I sortof wish I'd kept a journal. I think it would've been an interesting exercise to look back at that to get a glimpse of that girl I so loved; to refresh my memory.

I think the tone of this here blog is going to change a bit folks:

Hello, my name is Tiffany, and I don't know who the hell I am. Welcome to Day One of the Rest of My Life.

Maybe if we don't think about it...

Exams are looming. My personal life is...tangly. Crazy and random things are happening on a daily basis. [deeeeep breath,]I still don't have an articling job. Yet.

However. The weather is changing, the snow is melting, things are starting to turn green again and the air doesn't smell so much like misery around these parts. People randomly smile at me on the sidewalk and I am frequently inspired. My cooking is only improving and I'm finding out that there are more "friendlies" in my world - legal and otherwise - than I originally anticipated.

So maybe if we just don't think about that first bit, it'll all take care of itself, hm? I mean, obviously the applications must be sent in order for the phone calls to be made. I've just decided not to worry about it anymore. The universe has always provided before. I have no reason to think it won't continue to do so. Worrying only manifests more problems, it seems. So I'm not gonna do it. I simply refuse.

What do y'all think?

What is.

Today marks the one-year anniversary from that fateful day in the bus station, when you and I shared a made-for-the-movies dialogue, you grabbed my hand, and we kissed.

I'm not going to try to understand how something that was going along so swimmingly came to such an abrupt end. Today is a day to celebrate, and today I am celebrating the serendipity that brought you back into my life, even if I'm still not sure what that will look like in the end.

You are a dear, true friend, and a genuine treasure. I hope that you realize how happy you deserve to be one day soon.

Dear Universe...

I don't understand. Please make it all make sense.

How does a person who named a song after you a week ago come to decide that they don't see a future with you? Why plan our life together with me if you don't think it will happen?

I was patient and understanding. I worked hard and didn't lose my temper and took responsibility for my own shit. I'm sure I did it all correctly this time, so what's the deal?

A very confused and hurt,
Me.

I will not drog while blinking

In honour of my current pleasantly buzzed state, I bring you:

Reasons Not to Blog While Inebriated:

1.Spelling errors. Seriously. They range from the mundane to the profane. Quite embarrassing.

2.Extreme truthiness. While the lowered inhibitions do often help you to say what you really feel, the sober, inhibited you is required to deal with the fall-out. Just sayin.

3. Abnormal ease of amusement. Repeat after me: Just because it's funny now does not mean it will be funny in the morning.

4. Proximity to yarn shopping. You start out just updating the old blog, and since you're at the computer anyway, decide to check out some shop updates. Next thing you know, you're sitting in the corner, clutching your credit card and whimpering, with a vague dirty feeling.

5. Random lists for your reader(')s(') amusement. 'Nuf said.

That is all.

i am not complaining...

Really. I'm not.

It's just....well, here's the thing:

<rant> (so please feel free to skim if this is all too much drama for you...)

I am waiting for the dust to settle on a few big things in my life and it feels a lot like I'm just treading water. And I know that the universe can't just pick itself up and rearrange to suit me in mere moments sometimes, 'cause y'know, other people are involved and this is sortof monumental and all, but...it's like holding your breath y'know? You can only do it for so long before your head starts to hurt and you get dizzy and you feel as if if you do this for onemoresecond you will seriously, seriously die. Seriously.

Yeah. Like that.

I am doing my level-best to focus on living my heart's desire to whatever extent is possible every day in any way I can, and most of the time it works; really, it does. It's just that having the boy here and spending time together and remembering how it makes me giddy every time he looks over at me or touches my arm or puts an arm around my waist briefly as he passes behind me...it all makes me want the eventuality to be the reality. Right now. Not in a couple years when his degree is finally done. Not once I've graduated and found an articling position closer to him. Now.

And the whole articling stress is tied up in this because whereas before an articling job anywhere was fine by me just so long as there was one, now not only are some of my aspirations pinned on this, some of his are too. And they have to do with getting an articling position in a city I've never lived in and haven't visited since I was twelve-years-old, but have always really wanted to live in and almost went to law school in. (Don't worry, I'm kicking myself on that one too), and an employment market that I don't feel nearly as familiar with. And it all has to get done now, and I don't feel ready, but I just finished lamenting to the universe that I want this all now.

It's...just....all...so.....grawr!!

...and I haven't even mentioned the ShouldIStartMyOwnBusinessInstead? internal dialogue that's been whirling around my brain for the last six months or so. I mean, if I had a fantastic idea like...oh...say...Jess and Casey over at ravelry this would not even be a question, but my brilliant idea? I haven't remembered it yet. Maybe I should email them and ask them to hire me. I do web dev. What coding I don't know how to do, I can learn, Right?!

Okay Tiff...pull it together...

</rant>

Sorry about that guys. I'm done now. I'm finding my happy place and snuggling with my furries and my yarn and taking nice, zen-inducing walks with the pupper-dogger. I just thought I would share why things have been so quiet 'round these parts. When I'm worried or upset, I just stop talking. I know it's not fair to you all, and I apologize from the bottom of my scattered little heart. I will do better. I promise.

As penance, I present to you:

Yarn Pr0n:



Dizzying, isn't it?

survey says...

The recipient of Zombie Gir totally got it. And loved it. And took it to his birthday BBQ where a bunch of his science-nerd buddies would be to show it to them. How cute was he? Well, picture, a nearly-an-old-man old white guy, with white boy dreads, in a nerd-boy t-shirt (also courtesy of moi) carrying around a little, knitted, purple robot do...action figure, and thrusting it into guests faces as they arrived. Yeah. I wanted to eat him up with a spoon.

So twitterpated am I, I can hardly stand it.

I had a bit of a moment on Monday night when I realized that I didn't want to share him during the five days that he's in the province. I know he wants to see his friends and his friends want to see him. And I know that he has his parents and siblings here that he needs to spend time with too. But I just want to have him with me all. the. time.

And he was wonderful about it too. Seriously. Every time I think he can't possibly get more awesome and in sync with me and emotionally generous, he manages it. Seriously. Y'all wonder why I don't share him with you more? This is why!

*stares off into space with a big, stupid grin on her face*

Right. So. Moving along...

Have y'all seen this?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/elemmaciltur/466335679/

How 'bout this?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/elemmaciltur/467124750/

I KNOW.

And it just so happens that geek-boy himself will be spending some time in the area this summer. Would it be so horrible to ask him to bring back a skein or, oh, say....20? Hmm?

Hey! Here's a sock:


And.. (spoiler alert: if you're in the STR sock club, DO NOT READ FURTHER!!)
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June's STR sock club yarn! Purdy, no?


Okay. I'm off to do some more stuff and spend some more money on ridiculous things...like, y'know...postage on articling applications? *sigh*

Later!

"There are two tragedies in life: one is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."
~ George Bernard Shaw

This, gentle readers, is in my own humble opinion complete and utter hogwash. The greatest tragedy in life is to be oblivious to one's heart's desire.

Here he is, dear, sweet, thoughtful and generous man that he is, and yet I wonder whether he will ever truly be here with me; whether there is a here anymore; whether, having reached my destination, I am surprised to find where that destination actually is.

And in a word: s'wonderful.

Keep sending the positive thoughts, y'all...and as a dear friend sympathized: "Heaven help him."

almost there

So.

No excuses, really. Lots of stuff going on 'round here, but I'm not really sure how to put it into words even if I wanted to. We'll leave it at that. I have, however, been busy...



See? I got a spinning wheel (finally!) on ebay. I'm thinkin' a woollee winder will be my next acquisition, but that might hafta wait a while. I've got lots of fibre to process and yarn to knit and don't need the added distraction (or expense).

I've also been working away on my first Sahara in the Brooks Farm Harmony I told you about back here.



Hot, isn't it?



And yes, indeed those are the wonderful, fantastic, and charitable pink Denise interchangeables that the lovely miss Em and the blogless Miss G. gifted me for JMas. My sisters RAWK, don'tcha think?

I've got a pair of socks on the needles and about six zillion projects on the tip of my brain, so hopefully you'll be seeing more from me in the near future.

No promises just now, though.

I need all the brooding time I can get.

cryptic quotes

I believe I am a beautiful, smart, sexy woman, and I am the first and best example of how I deserve to be loved.

And I know you do.

So just get on with it already.