Friday, June 29, 2007

i am not complaining...

Really. I'm not.

It's just....well, here's the thing:

<rant> (so please feel free to skim if this is all too much drama for you...)

I am waiting for the dust to settle on a few big things in my life and it feels a lot like I'm just treading water. And I know that the universe can't just pick itself up and rearrange to suit me in mere moments sometimes, 'cause y'know, other people are involved and this is sortof monumental and all,'s like holding your breath y'know? You can only do it for so long before your head starts to hurt and you get dizzy and you feel as if if you do this for onemoresecond you will seriously, seriously die. Seriously.

Yeah. Like that.

I am doing my level-best to focus on living my heart's desire to whatever extent is possible every day in any way I can, and most of the time it works; really, it does. It's just that having the boy here and spending time together and remembering how it makes me giddy every time he looks over at me or touches my arm or puts an arm around my waist briefly as he passes behind all makes me want the eventuality to be the reality. Right now. Not in a couple years when his degree is finally done. Not once I've graduated and found an articling position closer to him. Now.

And the whole articling stress is tied up in this because whereas before an articling job anywhere was fine by me just so long as there was one, now not only are some of my aspirations pinned on this, some of his are too. And they have to do with getting an articling position in a city I've never lived in and haven't visited since I was twelve-years-old, but have always really wanted to live in and almost went to law school in. (Don't worry, I'm kicking myself on that one too), and an employment market that I don't feel nearly as familiar with. And it all has to get done now, and I don't feel ready, but I just finished lamenting to the universe that I want this all now.


...and I haven't even mentioned the ShouldIStartMyOwnBusinessInstead? internal dialogue that's been whirling around my brain for the last six months or so. I mean, if I had a fantastic idea like...oh...say...Jess and Casey over at ravelry this would not even be a question, but my brilliant idea? I haven't remembered it yet. Maybe I should email them and ask them to hire me. I do web dev. What coding I don't know how to do, I can learn, Right?!

Okay Tiff...pull it together...


Sorry about that guys. I'm done now. I'm finding my happy place and snuggling with my furries and my yarn and taking nice, zen-inducing walks with the pupper-dogger. I just thought I would share why things have been so quiet 'round these parts. When I'm worried or upset, I just stop talking. I know it's not fair to you all, and I apologize from the bottom of my scattered little heart. I will do better. I promise.

As penance, I present to you:

Yarn Pr0n:

Dizzying, isn't it?

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