Monday, May 19, 2008

ain't life funny like that?

So, remember a few days ago when I wrote about trying to come to terms with the whole no articles question..? Turns out I was going to get my answer sooner than I though.

On Thursday, I received a call from someone who had contacted the authors of my reference letters who wanted to let me know that one of them has, apparently, been sabotaging me. Discretion didn't permit her to tell me what was said, only that it had raised some "serious concerns."

For a person such as myself who takes expectations very seriously and has been known to move heaven and earth in order to meet them, this was a significant blow to my psyche. It is particularly troubling to me that this is the first I'm hearing of anything even slightly resembling dissatisfaction with my performance. Perhaps it is my overt inherent sense of morality, but I just feel that this isn't the way things should be done. I have never considered myself perfect, nor do I expect to make everyone happy all the time (try as I might), but I certainly cannot become aware of areas to improve or learn more about or alter if there is no indication that it is required or desirable. Unfortunately, I am not omniscient.

Needless to say, I've been feeling a little vulnerable and betrayed. And hurt. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. If a person lied to you directly when you asked if they felt they could give you a good reference, is there any hope that you can get truth by asking via telephone what the issue is?

It does explain an awful lot though.

At some point, it seems your brain (or perhaps just my brain) just closes up shop and refuses to try to sort it out any longer. And that's when I find myself staring out my bedroom window, looking at this:

Allow me to be the first to tell you: It is very difficult to feel sorry for oneself for very long here. There's just far too much to smile at.

I expect to hear the results of having spoken with a third reference I provided tomorrow. My hope is that with the result will come some clarity. Either way, I do believe I will be slinging coffee in the very near future, so at least there will be some money coming in for all the money going out.

Also, once I overcame an unbelievably dense moment and somebody pointed out that I was not reading the chart for all the information it truly provided, I've been making much faster progress on my test knitting:

I am most pleased by this. Isn't it funny how your creative life can both mimic and contrast other aspects of your life?

And on the topic of exciting creative stuff, the knitting group I have adopted turned out to be a most gratifying experience for me on Friday night. I may have had to force myself to put on a dress and a happy face, but it was a good thing I went. I had a great time, got to listen to a lovely Australian accent and discovered that one of the ladies there wants to learn to spin and has borrowed the very same wheel I left in Toronto in order to do it. I'm hoping to arrange to stop by later this week so she and I can share knowledge. Just when I'm feeling at my most incompetent, someone comes along to remind me of all the valuable knowledge and skills I possess. Hell, stick me in Jane Austen's time and I woulda been the hottest product on the market! ;)

Ain't life funny like that?

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