note to self:

Dear self,

Remember how we agreed never to buy floor coverings again?

Remember?

We sat down, we had a heart-to-heart, we learned a lot about ourselves...

And we agreed never to buy rugs again. There was a reason for that, self.

This    is why we don't buy rugs.

After only 24 hours, they look like This.

This. is not fun to clean. We don't like cat hair on our bathmat, but even less do we like it stuck to the bottom of our fresh-out-of-the-shower feet.

So, to recap. We. Do. Not. Buy. Floorcoverings.    Of any kind.

I'm glad we had this little talk.

i'll take the free gift-wrapping, please...

Ladies and gentleman (and I do, in fact, suspect that there is only one of you - please correct me if I'm wrong. However that would require you to give up your lurking ways, which I also suspect you won't do, so perhaps it will always be a mystery!), I have spent nearly the entirety of the day trying not to move; not to breathe in too pronounced a fashion; essentially, to fade from existence as much as possible. In fact, I've been trying not to THINK too loudly.

"Why?" you ask...    Enter the migraine.

Now let me acknowledge right here folks that the irony of the situation is not lost on me. I fully recognize that the closer I get to starting school again, the more frequently these bouts with the evil, sumo-wrestling, kettle drum-banging, trampoline enthusiast of a troll inside my cranium occur. I know full well that stress is not good for me, and that when my body decides to shut down - for my own good, really - a migraine is the result. But c'mon...really? Do I have to be held prisoner inside my own body every time I have to deal with stuff I don't want to deal with? It's not like I have a choice, y'know. If i want to change the world, eventually, I'm going to have to do stuff I don't want to, dontcha think?? Huh? Huh??

This forced confinement, however, has provided me with the opportunity to think about some stuff. Most importantly, I've been set to wondering why so much of applying for anything law-related (school, summer jobs, articling positions, etc.) involves so much falsehood. Why must everything be so strategically crafted? Why must I work to present myself like some kind of confectionary item with a shiny bow on top? One of the qualities I most like about myself is my ability to be honest and direct; to tell the truth without being cruel and to simplify things to the point where there can be no misunderstanding my intentions or needs. I don't hold a grudge and I don't make it hard to get what you want from me, so long as you're genuine about it. But this...this is all fake. This is about researching what people want to hear and then saying it in such a way that it seems like you just came up with it on the spot. This is about taking the square peg that is who you are and cutting off altering the pieces that don't fit until you get into their round hole. (and get your minds out of the gutter people!!)

I just want to find a place where I am appreciated for what I can do; for how I think; for my ability to connect with people, rather than whether I can meet the criteria of somebody else's arbitrary checklist. I just want to help people, and I know that I have to play by "their" rules in order to put myself in a position to do that, and I got myself into this knowing that this is the way it would be, but still.

But still.

. . .

In happier news, I currently have a black tumbleweed with paws, also known as Cariadus, curled up most beguilingly in my lap. Somehow, he always knows when I'm not feeling well. I woke up this morning to him curled around the top of my head, purring his freakin head off. I'm sure he thought he was helping.

Now I'm off to write a cover letter for a job I probably don't even want and make it not sound as if I'm not trying to butter anybody up....even though I am.

Wish me luck!

it's not me - it's you.

It's not me - it's you.

It's true that I am human and fallible and I have my quirks, but really...It's not me - it's you. I work hard to strike that perfect balance between showing genuine interest and getting all "clingy" right away. I drop five zillion hints about things you could invite me out to. I'm kind and witty and fun and I don't take it too seriously. I don't assume you're "the one" within ten minutes of meeting you. I don't expect you to spend every waking minute thinking about me.

However, I do expect you to be honest and direct with me. If you're not into this anymore, just level with me. Let me know that you think I'm fun to hang out with, but you're just not feeling the romance, or tell me that you're just not ready to pursue a romantic relationship. Hell, gimme the old "it's not you, it's me." and never speak to me again if you have to, but for pete's sake, do something!

If you need to go find yourself, get on with it already, but don't make me wonder what the hell happened; how we got from "I think you're really cool and I'd love to spend more time with you" to "persona non grata" in the span of 7 days, without a single interaction to pin it on - it's not rocket science dude, just tell the truth.

Since you haven't done any of these things, I guess it ends here. I'm sorry to have to do this, and I've really enjoyed our time together. Please don't take this personally...

...It's not me .   It's you.

stop othering me

I am a student employee. Despite the fact that I am old enough and educated enough to be in the process of launching my career, because I am pursuing a second degree, I am a student employee. That has a couple of interesting ramifications.

First, and most irritating, I generally get treated as if my IQ rests somewhere only slightly above a rock. Clearly I can't possibly understand what your department/faculty/corporation/insert other is working towards; that big lofty goal that you pursue with such fervour; because I am a student. Surely I can't be trusted with that integral piece of the major project you've been working on, despite the fact that it's uniquely situated within my cross-section of skills, because I am a student.

To add insult to injury, as a student employee, I am often disincluded from workplace events and activities. I couldn't possibly be interested. It's inconceivable that I might have a relationship with the soon-to-depart employee for whom you're planning a special event. How laughable it is that I might have something to add to the discussion about how your new student service-based facilities are going to be organized and decorated. Surely, I am not part of this conversation, because I am a student.

Finally, when I've searched my soul for a way to articulate the isolation I'm feeling over this type of behaviour, it is suggested to me that perhaps I need to change my attitude. Perhaps I'm encouraging this type of treatment. Perhaps if I didn't expect to be treated badly, I wouldn't see it as poor treatment. This only increases my suspicion that my contributions go unnoticed, further disenchanting me and removing even more initiative to take pride and ownership in my work.

So, I'm left feeling more frustrated than when I started, with nothing elegant or articulate to say except this:

Stop othering me. I work two full-time jobs, one at your corporation/institution/other, and one for myself, mainly at night, solely driven by my own desire to improve myself. I put more effort, more thought, and more creatively into everything that I do than many of your full-time employees. I work this hard because I am a student, and I certainly DO NOT consider this kind of dedication and drive a character flaw.

So stop othering me. I'm sick of it.

reminiscing

It seems like the closer I get to September, the less I look forward to actually starting school. It seems that suddenly I remember more clearly how much work I did, how long the hours were, and how high the tension always seemed. I realize that there are truly very few people that I have any actual desire to spend time with once again. I remember that I hatehateHATE writing papers.

What's wrong with me?

I love school, truly I do! But I don't wanna go back to Oz. I hypothesize that much of this can be attributed to the highly competitive, snobbish attitudes to be found there. I also really don't feel like putting my OCI package together. It's not for the reason that you might think though. I love having a job where I feel like I'm making a difference and doing well, and making a genuine contribution to my employer. I love the feeling of accomplishment I get from doing something and doing it well. It's the actual applying that I don't want to do. I have this creeping, neurotic feeling that this whole OCI package process has a set of secret rules that only the inner circle know about. I, not being a member, am of course completely out of the loop....and am therefore making an ass of myself without even knowing it.

See how paranoid law students are??

I miss my simple life with it's simple goals. I miss having finite projects that could be finished. I miss feeling like I know what I'm doing. Although, in retrospect, I fully realize that I was figuring it out as I went along, and totally screwing stuff up in the process. I just...was better at damage control then. I knew the players. I understood the rules. Things made sense.

Perhaps I should more seriously consider the option of running away to Mexico and starting a full-fledged baby accessories empire...

Or not.

and more...

A Carrot

Pineapple Attempt Two See? Told y'all I've been busy...

just in case y'all thought i was slacking...

Evidence to the contrary:

and

I'm also workin' on some orders, which is why there haven't been many new designs in the past coupla weeks. More soon. Promise.

hello again

After a mental vacation from all things electronic, the prodigal daughter returns to share her observations and thoughts from life outside the electronic world....

Okay, so really, I was just busy being out in the world and doing stuff - living life and such. I've discovered that when your job chains you to a computer all day, it's often very difficult to sit down in front of one at night. Also, the closer I get to starting school, the more rebellious and lazy I feel. Go figure, huh? In any case, here are some random thoughts and epiphanies in no particular order. Some are mundane and others...not so much. Enjoy...

1. People are not like computers. They do not always respond to logic and reasoning. You can make an airtight case and be totally and completely right...and they'll still do exactly as they please.
   
   
   This, I learned from my perfectly lovely, but sometimes unreasonable boss. I have spent many hours ennumerating all the various reasons why in-line html in an email is a bad idea. I have demonstrated all the numerous and terrible things that different email programs (including the one supplied by her employer, since it will be used by virtually ALL the recipients of her email) will do to a perfectly fabulous piece of code. She remains unmoved. She wants what she wants because it's, and I quote, "so pretty!"
   
   
   I'm beginning to wonder why insurance isn't offered to technology employers for when their frustrated employees throw the computer out the window.
   


2. The universe is all about the what, not the how. You just need to ask for what you want; the big goal; the feeling; the raison d'etre, and let the universe worry about the details...and things will fall into place. I don't want to talk about it just now - I'm still a little afraid I might jinx it. Let's leave it at this: things are falling into place nicely.
   


3. You are my best friend, and I do love you more than words can express, and I will support you in any way I can in anything that you do.....but I can no longer be silent.
   
   
   I keep thinking that if only I could find the right words, you would understand, but the right words don't exist as long as the words are all you're listening to. Until you can hear me with your heart, we will never get past this.
   
   
   And that's what makes it difficult for me to be near you.
   


4. I actually really like tacos. Who knew?


5. I really am addicted to caffeine. Without it, you get posts like this.

And on that note, off I go...