Saturday, August 19, 2006

i'll take the free gift-wrapping, please...

Ladies and gentleman (and I do, in fact, suspect that there is only one of you - please correct me if I'm wrong. However that would require you to give up your lurking ways, which I also suspect you won't do, so perhaps it will always be a mystery!), I have spent nearly the entirety of the day trying not to move; not to breathe in too pronounced a fashion; essentially, to fade from existence as much as possible. In fact, I've been trying not to THINK too loudly.

"Why?" you ask...    Enter the migraine.

Now let me acknowledge right here folks that the irony of the situation is not lost on me. I fully recognize that the closer I get to starting school again, the more frequently these bouts with the evil, sumo-wrestling, kettle drum-banging, trampoline enthusiast of a troll inside my cranium occur. I know full well that stress is not good for me, and that when my body decides to shut down - for my own good, really - a migraine is the result. But c'mon...really? Do I have to be held prisoner inside my own body every time I have to deal with stuff I don't want to deal with? It's not like I have a choice, y'know. If i want to change the world, eventually, I'm going to have to do stuff I don't want to, dontcha think?? Huh? Huh??

This forced confinement, however, has provided me with the opportunity to think about some stuff. Most importantly, I've been set to wondering why so much of applying for anything law-related (school, summer jobs, articling positions, etc.) involves so much falsehood. Why must everything be so strategically crafted? Why must I work to present myself like some kind of confectionary item with a shiny bow on top? One of the qualities I most like about myself is my ability to be honest and direct; to tell the truth without being cruel and to simplify things to the point where there can be no misunderstanding my intentions or needs. I don't hold a grudge and I don't make it hard to get what you want from me, so long as you're genuine about it. But this...this is all fake. This is about researching what people want to hear and then saying it in such a way that it seems like you just came up with it on the spot. This is about taking the square peg that is who you are and cutting off altering the pieces that don't fit until you get into their round hole. (and get your minds out of the gutter people!!)

I just want to find a place where I am appreciated for what I can do; for how I think; for my ability to connect with people, rather than whether I can meet the criteria of somebody else's arbitrary checklist. I just want to help people, and I know that I have to play by "their" rules in order to put myself in a position to do that, and I got myself into this knowing that this is the way it would be, but still.

But still.

. . .

In happier news, I currently have a black tumbleweed with paws, also known as Cariadus, curled up most beguilingly in my lap. Somehow, he always knows when I'm not feeling well. I woke up this morning to him curled around the top of my head, purring his freakin head off. I'm sure he thought he was helping.

Now I'm off to write a cover letter for a job I probably don't even want and make it not sound as if I'm not trying to butter anybody up....even though I am.

Wish me luck!


Blogger loonigrrl said...

Good Luck! I know what you mean- I just finished a long exhaustive job search and I just hope I never have to go through that again (well, at least not for a long long time. You'd think having a sort of vacation with no job to go to would be relaxing- nope, totally stressful. Interview after interview I found myself saying half truths that they wanted to hear and all I could think is, do I really want to work in a place where I can't be totally honest to get the job? Luckily, I think I found the right place for me. Good luck and hang in there!

3:15 p.m.  
Blogger Uccellina said...

Sorry for the lurking - I actually check in here semi-regularly. Have done for a while. I like your writing and find your life intriguing :-)

1:04 a.m.  

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