Monday, April 16, 2007

letters i'll never send

Please talk to me.

I can't know what you're thinking or feeling if you don't tell me. Although it is true that I could probably read it out of your mind if I really wanted to, that would be both highly unorthodox and terribly uncouth of me.

I know you are an intelligent person. I know that you understand that the corollary to taking responsibility for your own happiness is taking responsibility for your own unhappiness. The key here is the responsibility part. I think we can agree that everything that happens to you is at least in some way your responsibility. You invite it into your experience. If that's true, then at least part of the responsibility for what happened that night rests with each one of us. All Three of Us could've made different choices or done certain things differently, such that what happened would've been avoided.

But we didn't.

I take responsibility for my part. I recognize that there are things that I would go back and do differently. No. Please listen to me. Read it again. I apologize for my part in what happened; I own it.

On a surface-level this whole situation has descended into stupidity. I know we both can recognize this. I acknowledge in advance that what is about to follow is based on the assumptions I've made based on your lack of response to my attempt to start the conversation. However:

This is a line in the sand that I must draw: I will not pursue a partnership (and as my friend and sister-from-another-mother, you are my partner as much as any man could ever be) with someone who is unwilling to be my partner. I will not carry it all, all the time. In my opinion, it is not a partnership if one partner refuses to own their own shit. And that's why, in my view, this isn't me over-reacting.

This isn't about that night. This is about your reaction(s) both on and after that night. This is me making a clear and unequivocal statement: I need you to honour yourself for the infinite and incredible being that you are. I will not allow you to cop out on this, despite the fact that I hate more than anything to be out of contact with you, because you are so integral a part of my life; because you sell yourself so far short of the absolute goddess that you are when you perceive yourself as the victim of your own life. Nothing just happens to you. You are a magnificent and powerful being, capable of manifesting anything, anything you desire. And if you know that, if you really know that, then you know that everything happens because you placed an order with the universe and it sent you precisely what you asked for.

It is not about what happened. It is Not About What Happened that night.

And at least now I'm sure you know that.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

a shot in the dark...

I don't suppose there's anybody out there in the blogosphere who will be going to MDSW and would be willing to bring me back some Koigu mill ends? I hear it's sold there at deep discount every year, but I'm trying to be frugal with the travelling expenses, what with a potential visit to Europe on the horizon for this summer. Koigu is knitty crack in my books, and I pay in chocolate, wine and culinary creations of some excellence. (Reimbursement for the cost of the yarn/duty would also be part of the deal.)

You can't blame a girl for tryin'...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

"There are two tragedies in life: one is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."
~ George Bernard Shaw

This, gentle readers, is in my own humble opinion complete and utter hogwash. The greatest tragedy in life is to be oblivious to one's heart's desire.

Here he is, dear, sweet, thoughtful and generous man that he is, and yet I wonder whether he will ever truly be here with me; whether there is a here anymore; whether, having reached my destination, I am surprised to find where that destination actually is.

And in a word: s'wonderful.

Keep sending the positive thoughts, y'all...and as a dear friend sympathized: "Heaven help him."

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